An overview Alcohol units in first 6 months of year: 3,497 (normal). Alcohol units in second 6 months of year: 0 (vg). Imaginary menopauses: 1. Unplanned pregnancies disguised as imaginary menopauses: 1. Pounds lost: 114 (vg).
Pounds gained: 127 (v bad). Potatoes consumed in first 6 months of year: 11
(approx). Potatoes consumed in second half of year 1,100 (approx)(bad).
Egg whites: 0. Liver: 0.
Proudest achievement of year: creating unborn baby.
Biggest drawback to proudest achievement of year: Creating said unborn
baby via drunken shag with emotional fuckwit.
Proudest achievement of year as British citizen: Brave way dealt with
London bombings: even though consisted mainly of walking part of way home once
in bare feet before finding taxi.
Worst piece of British political timing: Abolition of licensing hours just
when have got pregnant and given up drinking.
Least favourite political person of year: President Bush - for still being
Global Superpower Leader despite a) very stupid; b) massive fuck-up re:
New Orleans toxic soup. And c) still pretending is all right about invading
Iraq; even though is now obvious he simply got mixed up and thought
Iraq had invaded World Trade Centre.
Favourite political or world leader of year: Prince William - owing to
being both attractive, caring and responsible doing mountain rescue and
visiting homeless when could easily be jetting round world on freebies in manner
of Fergie and modelling for Hugo Boss.
Worst Motherism of year :
Third place: Justifying third helping of dessert, fourth phone call of day
to self etc etc last summer by saying "You have to carry on as normal,
don't you? or otherwise the bombers will have won."
Runner up: Encouraging self to adopt Chinese or Ethiopian baby in order
to attract a man in manner of Angelina "Jolly" with Brad Pitt.
Winner: On receiving news of self's pregnancy with her first
grandchild, snapping "You'll have to get it checked out, you know, because it could
easily come out a mongol at your age."
Least impressive driving manoeuvre of year:
Winner: Driving away from petrol station with pump still attached to
Runner up: Not noticing above had happened for three days, till Mark Darcy
Favourite pregnancy foodstuff:
Runner up: Cheese.
Best thing about being pregnant:
Am going to have baby.
Am no longer tragic barren spinster
Will have little baby to love.
Worst thing about being pregnant:
Runner up: Suddenly becoming wide in manner of Senator Edward Kennedy
or Ann Widdecombe
Winner: throwing up all the time.
Best thing about throwing up all time:
Runner up: can eat more cheese and potatoes
Winner: Suddenly understanding miracle of toilet. solid, dependable,
magically making vomit vanish in quasi-Hogwartian fashion.
Favourite home furnishing or bathroom fitting: Toilet.
Best everyday invention: Toilet.
Most underrated everyday fixture or fitting: Toilet. (Toilet is clearly
going to walk away with whole armful of awards like Norah Jones at
Grammys in year when brought out song which is now in lifts everywhere.)
Most honoured honoree on tonight's occasion: Toilet.
I will: a) Halt dizzying slide into obesity caused by treating nausea
like hangover and eating whatever feel like, moment by moment, in attempt to
make it go away. Instead will be lead by books not instinct and eat eg liver
and egg white. b) Compensate for current too-large weight gain, by
under-gaining for rest of pregnancy - not by cutting back on nourishment (for as
pregnancy book chillingly explains "the baby cannot live on your flesh alone, no
matter how ample") - but by cutting back on shit like ice cream,
cheese, and potatoes. c) Accept that stuffing cheese and ice-cream is not made all
right by calcium. d) Stop growing wide but instead develop endearing front-facing
bump like normal pregnant people. e) Stop buying more and more tiny baby
outfits such as, as Magda says, will only fit baby for 3 weeks and anyway
newborn babies do not need Uggi Boots: instead buy boring but necessary
things like bottle steriliser, car seat and changing table. f) Tell Richard
Finch am pregnant, having first checked out rights under the law on
Least favourite moments of year:
When thought pregnancy was menopause.
When, in middle of celebrating conception of first born with Mark Darcy, DNA
clinic rang to say father was Daniel Cleaver.
When told Daniel he was baby's father and he put phone down on me.
When Daniel came round to discuss pregnancy and said "You are going to
get rid of it, aren't you?"
Favourite moments of year:
When threw up cherry-coloured vomit in Daniel's new Mercedes.
When looked at pregnancy test and saw blue line in window.
When did subsequent 17 pregnancy tests and still saw blue lines in
When bought first babygro with teddies on and put it on bed next to me
as if was baby.
When parcel arrived from Daniel - just as was leaving sadly for Mum and
Dad's for Christmas, which contained tiny pair of bootees with card saying:
"To mini-Bridget. Happy First Unborn Christmas with love from your
An EXCELLENT year's achievements and progress.
Published: 05 January 2006